Memories Never Die
by DanaDanoushka
Summary: Two-shot. Amelia and Zola talk about Derek after the girl has a terrible nightmare. Maggie later confronts Amelia about it, trying to get her sister to open up a little. Takes place towards the end of S12.
1. I want him back

**A/N: Since there aren't nearly enough Amelia stories out there, I figured we should do something about that and this is what I came up with. It takes place somewhere towards the end of season 12, obviously when Amelia is actually living with her sisters again.**

 **Please enjoy and let me know what you think. (Chapter 2 will be up in the next few days because for some stupid reason it's easier to upload this in two parts instead of one longer** **one-shot.)**

 **-Dana**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters.**

 **PS: I'm not sure how old the kids really are. There were just so many time jumps the past couple of seasons. Shouldn't they live, like, already in 2017 by now? Because of the huge time jump in 11x22? I don't know. But I figured Zola should be about 6 now. Correct me if that's totally wrong.**

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Yawning loudly, Amelia dropped the magazine she was currently engrossed in on her stomach. It was filled with tons of fascinating articles about high-tech neurology toys that would hit the market sometime next year. You know, things that made her heart jump at the thought of all these new possibilities, making her feel like a kid in a candy store.

She closed her eyes for a moment, thinking about when she would pitch some of her ideas for new equipment to the board. Placing one arm across her face in an attempt to block out the light even more, she couldn't help but yawn again. She was so tired, so exhausted from this intense day she mostly spent standing in an OR, trying to fix a 16-year-old girl's head. It had been a particularly challenging case she'd worked on with Kepner and Torres. They had been spent the past week trying to come up with a decent plan for this tricky surgery. Fortunately, it all went well and she was more than happy to tell the concerned parents about their success and the good chances of a full recovery for this girl. Let's just say, there are very few things better than a mother thanking you for saving her child. Amelia smiled to herself, picturing their relieved faces again, the emotional hug they'd shared.

This was it for her. This was really her dream job. All of it. The science, the people, the feeling of purpose and importance. She was making a difference for people. That smile faded quickly, though, when she inevitably thought about how much Derek would have loved to do this surgery today. She could vividly picture them having another fight about who gets to work on that case. Now, she would give anything – really anything – to have just one more stupid fight with her ass of a brother. She shook her head and grimaced, as if trying to physically get rid of these depressing thoughts _. He's gone and there is nothing you can do about it. Just think about something else, anything else. Don't go there again._

The house was really quiet now, given it was pitch black outside. She clumsily peeked out from underneath her elbow, only lifting it enough so that she could look at the clock on the other side of the room. _Oh_. 11:03pm. She dropped her arm again, sighing. So, Meredith would probably be gone all night then, sleeping in an on-call room. She had some emergency with a patient and left a few hours ago, hurriedly saying goodbye to her kids and leaving Amelia in charge of everything. The brunette pursed her lips. It was really interesting. The two of them could fight and argue and be mad at each other but at the end of the day, Meredith still fully trusted her to take care of her kids. That must count for something, right?

"Aunt Amy?"

Amelia nearly jumped out of her skin at the sudden small voice so close to her right ear. Pressing one hand over her heart, her eyes fluttered open to find little Zola standing next to the couch in her purple PJ's. Amelia's heart skipped a beat at the sight of her niece. Her cheeks were all wet with tears, her tiny hands clutching her favorite stuffed animal – a dolphin named Lily – close to her chest.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?" she asked while she struggled to move into a sitting position, trying to disentangle herself from the blanket around her legs. Teary, chocolate brown eyes met concerned, icy blue ones.

"I had a nightmare." the girl whispered, rubbing her eye with her tiny fist.

Amelia nodded in understanding and touched the girl's arm before she scooted a little further into the pillows and patted the spot beside her.

"Zo, come here."

The child didn't hesitate one second and quickly crawled onto the couch to sit next to her aunt. Amelia wrapped her arm around Zola's shoulders while throwing the blanket back over the both of them. They settled back into the couch, half-sitting and half-laying against the soft pillows.

A few silent seconds passed, before Amelia gently asked, "Wanna tell me about it?"

Zola sniffled a little and snuggled closer into her side, seeking comfort in the warm embrace and the familiar scent of her aunt.

"Mommy was leaving and you and aunt Maggie were screaming 'Please, stay!' but she just walked away. I tried to run to her but she was really fast. Bailey was crying and Ellie, too, and..." She trailed off, the images of her dream still obviously haunting her. Amelia squeezed the little girl's shoulder reassuringly, a genuine smile on her face as she chose her next words with great consideration.

"Okay. Listen to me, Zozo." She waited for her niece to look up at her, before she continued. "Every single person in this house loves you, okay? I love you very much, your aunt Maggie loves you and your mom…", Amelia smiled even brighter, "she loves you the most. And she is never gonna leave you and Bailey and Ellie. Do you hear me? She would never ever do that." Zola nodded slowly, though she didn't look fully convinced. Something was still bothering her.

"What?" Amelia asked as the 5-year-old kept silent.

"But daddy left."

Amelia tensed, pressing her lips firmly together. She hated having to explain this over and over again to her niece. She wasn't asking that much about Derek these days anymore, but from time to time it still came up, naturally. And some of those times, it was Amelia who had to deal with it.

"We talked about this, sweetie. He didn't want to leave. He…he didn't have a choice."

"He died." Those words coming out of a child's mouth just seemed wrong. She knew Meredith had been nothing but honest with her children about this so that there were no questions, no false hopes of him coming back. She had explained everything as child-friendly as one could. Amelia knew that. She'd been there for moral support. It was just...the very idea of someone so little dealing with something so significant and adult and horrible…

"Right." Amelia nodded and smiled sadly. "And that means he's in Heaven right now, watching over us. Every day. It's his job to do that."

"I want him back."

Zola tightened her grip on her dolphin and looked up at her aunt with those big, sad eyes. Amelia just stared at her for a moment, feeling so sorry for this girl who was experiencing a kind of pain that she couldn't even fully understand yet – which made it about ten times worse to watch. Sadly, Amelia was awfully familiar with this feeling of being lost, that confusion. All she could do was hug her even closer and just whisper, "Me, too."

Amelia hesitated for a moment, debating whether or not she really wanted to talk about this any more than she had to. Usually, she would try something to change the subject right about now. But this wasn't about her. This was about Derek's little girl. So, she tried her best smile and looked at her niece again, raising her eyebrow.

"Hey, you wanna know what I do when I miss my daddy?"

Zola looked at her for a moment, clearly puzzled at the sad undertone in her aunt's voice. Gotta love how kids really never miss anything, "Why? Where is your daddy?"

 _Oh. Great_. She hadn't thought about that. Of course she didn't know about that yet. Why would Derek tell her this depressing story?

"Well, he's in Heaven, too. You know, I bet he's hanging out with _your_ daddy right now. I, um, I'll tell you about him another time, okay?" She quickly got to the point, before Zola could ask her any more about that. Who would want to discuss murder with a 6-year-old? "So, anyway, when I miss my daddy, I ask my mom if she can tell me a story about him. Or my sisters. That always helps me."

That was actually a lie. She avoided talking about him these days like the plague. But she remembered doing that a lot when she was very little, right after her dad had died. It made him seem…more real. Because let's be honest, she didn't have that many memories of him, considering she had just turned five when he was murdered. His death just shattered her perfect little world and nothing made sense anymore. But the older she got, the less she wanted to ask about him. It made her mad and sad and she just wanted to forget he left them altogether. She remembered one particular meltdown when she was, like, eight or nine, in which she had shouted at the sky, demanding to know why he didn't just give those men that damn watch. What was all that love for his wife worth if he couldn't be with her and their family anymore? The point was, he could have lived. He actually had a choice…didn't he? She often wondered how her life would look like now if he were still alive. Would she have become an addict? Probably not. Would she have become a neurosurgeon? Also doubtful. Sheldon had implied once that there was definitely a connection between her wanting to fix people's heads after witnessing her own father being shot in the face. The longer she thought about that, the more she came to the conclusion he was probably right, which was kind of freaking her out. That's probably also why Derek had chosen this specialty. _Derek_. Her relationship with her brother would have been completely different as well. Everything would be different if her dad hadn't refused to give those men his beloved watch.

Amelia was pulled out of her dark train of thoughts as Zola tugged at her shirt, trying to get her attention, "You know any stories about my daddy?"

Amelia smirked at her and said, "Oh, trust me, I know ALL the stories about him. And in fact, your mom does, too. Just ask her." She paused for a moment, then squeezed her niece's shoulder playfully, trying to make this conversation as normal as it could be. "You wanna hear a fun one right now?" The little girl next to her just nodded. "All right. Um, when we were little, your aunt Lizzie would sometimes take us to this beautiful lake in the woods to go swimming or play ball or something. Or build a small raft. Just something like that. But that one time, your dad actually climbed a tree because he thought it would look super cool to sit on a branch right over the water. Well, turns out he wasn't as good at climbing as he thought he was. So, Lizzie and I watched as he fell face-first – and with all his clothes on – straight into the cold water. He looked…so silly sitting in the mud with his wet clothes, his face all red. He was so embarrassed. Of course, I kept teasing him about it, which…he didn't appreciate. God, he was so mad at me for telling everyone about it." Amelia chuckled at the memory, before a sudden thought hit her. "Hey, you know what? I think Lizzie made some pictures of that day, actually. I can look for them tomorrow if you want." She looked at Zola again, but the girl apparently had something else on her mind.

"Can we go to that lake?" she asked suddenly. Taken aback by her request, Amelia tried to find a careful way to answer, vividly remembering the last time Meredith had yelled at her for promising her children something like that.

"Um, I don't know. We'll have to ask your mom about that tomorrow. And your grandma. We could go visit her, then, right? She lives there."

"And Aunt Lizzie?"

"Um, sure." Amelia really hoped she had managed to cover her uneasiness at that request. "I'll ask her, all right?"

In fact, she hadn't talked to any of her sisters in almost a year. It wasn't something she looked forward to. Her relationship with them was…difficult. With the age difference, them barely ever being home when she was still little and, well, the fact that they found her super annoying and viewed her as the family disappointment. It was just complicated. But she knew she couldn't avoid them forever, especially since some birthdays were coming up next month and her mom had planned this huge family get-together. Maybe this time she wouldn't be able to come up with an excuse, thanks to Zola. Oh, well, she would go there for this girl, even if it meant getting tormented by Nancy, non-stop psycho-analyzed by Kate and made fun of by Lizzie.

"Tell another one." Amelia laughed at the excitement evident in the child's voice. This was working after all. _Aunt of the week material right there._

"Okay. Let's see…there are so many. Ooh, there was this crazy day at the hospital once and your daddy was supposed to…"

They spent the next hour like this. Zola listening to Amelia while she told her every Derek story she could think of. She even showed her the first pictures of the kids that he had sent her back when she was still living in LA and while she was at it, she even quickly showed her a few photos of her and her friends down there, before changing the subject back to Derek.

It amazed Amelia how she never ran out of things to say about her brother, about their childhood, about their mutual friends Addison and Mark. In hindsight, maybe there were a few stories here and there she shouldn't have told her. Like any of the pranks the Shepherd siblings had pulled on each other back in the day. It might give Zola ideas. Well, too late now, right?

After a while though, when Amelia was thinking about what to tell her niece next, she looked down and found Zola sound asleep, snuggled up to her side. Her head was resting on Amelia's arm, the blanket she had thrown over the two of them grasped tightly in the little girl's hand, her mouth slightly open. Amelia's smile faded and was soon replaced by a frown. This girl had done nothing to the world and yet she had to deal with losing her father already. It wasn't fair. But out of experience, Amelia knew life rarely ever was.

She released a deep breath she didn't know she had been holding and searched for her magazine that had somehow ended up pressed between her hip and the back of the couch. Sure, talking about Derek wasn't as painful as it used to be, but it was still hard. Especially if you have to pretend you're totally over it for the sake of his little girl. She opened the magazine again and searched for the article she'd been reading before. All she wanted was to distract herself and try to focus on anything but the fact that her brother was gone and had left so many people who loved him behind.

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 **A/N: Thanks for reading! And have a great hiatus!**


	2. We can't let her fall

**A/N: As promised, here is the second half of the story :)**

 **Please enjoy and tell me what you think!**

 **-Dana**

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"Hey, Amelia."

Groaning exasperatedly, Amelia tried to ignore that annoying voice that kept repeating her name. She attempted to roll on her side but something was pinning her right arm down. Then there was that voice again, clearer this time.

"Amelia!"

She cursed internally as she finally recognized the familiar scent of her sister around her, which made sense since that voice definitely belonged to her. _Ugh_. Suddenly, she felt one hand on her shoulder, shaking her slightly.

"Go away, Maggie." Amelia frowned as she failed miserably at swatting away her sister's hand.

"It's one in the morning. Don't you think a bed would be more appropriate for Zola to sleep on than this couch?" Amelia sighed and opened one eye to peek up at her sister who, in return, crossed her arms over her chest, pursing her lips accusingly. Amelia glanced at the little girl curled up next to her, before she met Maggie's eyes. She sighed in defeat.

"You're right, I guess." She carefully sat up, making sure not to wake Zola in the process, considering the girl was basically half-lying on top of her. "We just fell asleep."

"Oh, really?" Maggie rolled her eyes at Amelia's sleepy statement. She offered her a hand. "Come on."

A few moments later, Amelia was standing in front of the couch and stretched her limbs awkwardly. _This was not the best position to fall asleep in_. As she carefully picked up Zola, mumbling something about her niece's increasing weight under her breath, Maggie walked over to the kitchen.

Amelia's brain started functioning properly again and she followed her sister, Zola sleeping peacefully in her arms.

"Why are you up, anyway?"

Maggie shrugged and held up the glass she had just taken out of the closet.

"I just wanted to get some water and saw you guys. Gotta admit, you're both adorable when you're sleeping. So peaceful and _quiet_ for once."

"Okay, for the record, I'm not 'adorable'." Amelia attempted to make air quotes with her fingers and nearly dropped Zola in the process. Maggie just smirked and shook her head.

"Oh, shut up, Maggie." She rolled her eyes and turned to leave. "I would love to stay here and chat about this all night but I swear she gains five pounds every passing second. Also, I'm pretty sure she's drooling on my shirt. I'll go tuck her in and you turn off the lights down here, deal?"

And without actually waiting for a response, Amelia made her way over to the stairs, heading towards the kids' bedroom.

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Releasing a heavy sigh Amelia walked into her room. Zola was fast asleep in her bed where she belonged and the other two were also down, she just couldn't help but check on them again.

Her gaze immediately fell on the nightstand and lingered there for a few moments. Then, out of impulse, she quickly walked over there and opened the bottom drawer, rummaging around until she found what she was looking for. Her greatest treasure. Clutching the small item between her cold fingers, she sank down on the foot of her bed.

In this moment, she realized she never even told Derek she had this watch. Oh, he would have been so pissed. Because what kind of daughter steals something so significant from her heartbroken mom? Only a very selfish person would do that, right?

She released a shaky breath, trying not to be so dark for once. She'd had enough of that tonight. Dealing with everything was one thing, drowning in those emotions was completely different, yet it seemed almost inevitable. But giving in, letting all of this overwhelm her once again would lead to her wanting an escape and she knew exactly how that would look like. No. She was clean and sober again, had worked her ass off to be able to say that, and she wouldn't throw it away anytime soon. She had to fight. Even now, at almost 1:30am. Always. She had lived the alternative and that was not an option, never again.

"So, what was that all about?"

Amelia jumped and caught herself just in time not to fall off the bed. She glared at Maggie in the doorway, one hand clutching her chest.

"Dude, don't do that to me!" she hissed, trying to control her voice. After all, the kids were asleep.

"Sorry." Maggie chuckled a little at her reaction but quickly turned serious again. "So?"

Amelia stood and walked over to her closet, searching for a baggy shirt and some shorts for the night since she was still dressed in her normal clothes. "She, um…she had a nightmare and we ended up talking about Derek and all kinds of stuff."

She tried to sound casual and avoided looking at her sister. With her favorite shirt and shorts in hand, she made her way over to her bed again but she hesitated. Shrugging her shoulders, she couldn't help but quietly add, "She misses him a lot."

Amelia stared at the watch she'd carelessly left on the bed for a moment and then made the mistake of looking up and inevitably meeting her sister's eyes. Whatever Maggie saw in them was enough for her to walk fully into the room and wordlessly wrap Amelia in her arms. The clothes slipped through her fingers and fell to the floor as the brunette hugged her back, appreciating the gesture.

"I didn't really get to know him that well before…before he passed away, but I know he would be so proud of you." Maggie pulled away and held Amelia at arm's length, looking her in the eye. "And I don't know a lot about this kind of thing but I do know it's okay to still miss him. To be honest, I don't think you'll ever stop missing him."

Amelia smiled sadly at her and nodded. She turned back to her clothes and opened the first buttons of the grey blouse she was still wearing, when Maggie suddenly pointed to the bed.

"Hey, is that your watch?" She sat down on the edge of the mattress and picked it up, inspecting it with great curiosity. "I don't think I've ever seen you wear it."

"No, I know. It's…my dad's."

Amelia cursed herself for leaving it there. She didn't know if she would make it through another intense discussion about something like that tonight. She was both physically and emotionally exhausted, she just wanted to fall into bed and sleep for four days straight.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" _Of course, she would ask._

"Look, I don't wanna bring you down, Maggie." She put on her best smile. "Plus, it's already pretty late, so…"

She trailed off and focused back on her blouse and bra, hoping her sister would get the hint and just leave her alone. It was quiet for a few moments and Amelia felt Maggie's eyes on her but she ignored it as best as she could.

"You think I can't handle it, don't you?"

That made Amelia look at her again, though. Maggie raised an eyebrow, a knowing smile on her lips.

"Maggie, that's not–"

"Hey, maybe you're right." Maggie raised her hands defensively. "But I am a good listener. Try me."

Amelia took her time pulling the new shirt over her head, before she just stood there for a moment. The sisters' eyes met once again, before Amelia dropped her gaze to the watch in Maggie's hands.

"There's…not that much to talk about, really, " she replied, while quickly changing into that pair of shorts as well. "That watch…I miss some people." She slowly sank down next to Maggie. "That's all."

She just nodded and then handed Amelia back the watch. But she was not done.

"And?" she pressed, her voice gentle yet demanding.

Amelia's shoulders slouched in defeat. "And Zola got me thinking." _There, you happy now?_

"It's just…You know, my dad died when I was about her age. It was…Look at what that did to me!" She gestured to her chest and shook her head, already fighting the tears. "Maggie, we can't let her become like me. We can't let her fall." She pressed her lips firmly together, determined not to cry. She nearly lost it right there, though, as she felt a warm hand on her shoulder, pulling her closer to Maggie.

"We won't," she told her. "And your story is different from hers. I'm pretty sure I don't even know half of what you've done and what you've been through but…you know what I mean. Just because you both lost your dad so early doesn't mean it's the same. You know that."

Amelia did know that. Rationally speaking. That didn't mean she didn't worry, though. Of course she saw the difference. Zola had never seen her dad get hit in the face with a bullet, had never watched him actually die. She'd never slipped in the pool of her own father's blood, hurting her wrist. She'd never seen his lifeless, blue eyes staring back at her. There was a difference but still, she would go through a lot of the same stuff Amelia had been through. Seeing other kids being dropped off at school by both their mom and dad. Celebrating too many birthdays and Thanksgivings and Christmases without him. Knowing he'll never see her at graduation or any prom. Knowing he won't be around to give her away at her wedding or see her success or her kids. That was a lot. And Amelia knew she would go through that, knew what this feeling had done to her. She glanced at Maggie again, who hadn't dropped her arm around her shoulders.

"I've done stuff, you know," Amelia whispered. "Pretty bad stuff I'm not proud of. I don't even wanna know how many times I made my mother cry. I just don't want Zola to make the same mistakes I did."

"I know. And she won't. She'll make her own mistakes." Maggie squeezed her shoulder and Amelia nodded. She was right. But she was determined to look out for her niece, support her. Of course, the same went for Bailey and Ellie, but it was a little different for them. Zola had real memories of Derek but Bailey was probably too small to remember much and Ellie never even got to meet him.

"Will you ever tell me about those mistakes? Those people you miss? You know, I'm here, if you wanna talk…"

Amelia couldn't help but snort at that, making the other woman look at her questioningly. Rubbing her eye, Amelia just smiled at her.

"I'm sorry, it's just…isn't it kinda funny how I have truly a plethora of sisters but the ones I'm not related to by blood turn out to be the best?"

She instantly noticed how Maggie narrowed her eyes and saw right through her, realizing she had just dodged that question in true Amelia-fashion. But Maggie apparently also knew when it was time to drop a subject and not push her too far. She nudged Amelia's shoulder playfully and finally said with a smile on her lips, "I didn't know you knew fancy words like 'plethora'."

Amelia stared at her for a good while before she laughed in disbelief at her sister's tease.

"Oh, shut up." They smiled at each other before Maggie eventually stood and walked a few steps in the general direction of the door. When she turned around one last time, Amelia was already crawling under the covers, the watch still in hand.

"You good for the night?"

"You mean, am I gonna run to the nearest bar as soon as you leave?" She pretended to think about that for a moment, before shrugging. "No. Not today."

"Amelia-"

"Relax, I'm kidding. I'm good." Maggie shot her a look and she quickly added, in all seriousness this time, "I promise."

Just as Maggie was about to turn around for good, Amelia spoke up again, her voice so quiet that Maggie had to listen carefully not to miss anything. "And I know. I know you're always there for me and I appreciate it."

"Good night, Amelia." And with that, Maggie headed for the hallway, switched off the light in her sister's room and closed the door behind her, heading for her own bed.

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 **A/N: Thanks for reading, y'all! I'm not sure if this was OOC. Please give me some feedback on that one ;)**


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